Autobiography of a Jailbird
by SB from Queens Hostel Welikada.
Extracted by Walter Rajaratne
I was born to an ordinary family in a village surrounded by the central
hills of Sri Lanka. As a child, a timid and diminutive boy among my
friends, I was a discarded case. This strengthened my feelings to succeed
in life, beating my peers at that in whichever way, thus education became
The best my parents with their meagre wealth afford to was the Poramadala
village school. However, my performance at the school was a relatively
better one that paved the way for entry to university at young age.
I also had a few things to talk about my achievements in athletics which
pushed me to the administration of sports in later years.
It was at the university that I displayed my real talents, interestingly,
towards shoddy politics than the structured system of scholastic achievements,
a persons success in civilized way of life. I opted to this option
since I had been an admirer of communism with no whatsoever knowledge
of its theory or a genuine binding to its principles, instead glibly
mouthing of slogans at demonstrations in election campaigns.
From humble beginning at the arts stream, with no specific results
in the finals, I had no whatsoever chance to secure a white collar management
level job. So my early unemployed years with Marga, which was a NGO
joint, ripping foreign funds by a few Johnnies for their survival as
think tanks, I was marking time for a breakthrough. However, the title,
Research officer was not a bad one in your CV, though its a long
story what research I was involved in at Marga. Since I was an ardent
follower of Marxism, with little effort I managed to enter mainstream
politics. The skills I had developed as a gutter-raker in speech therapy,
pushed me to the centre stage in left wing politics within a short span
of time. A firebrand big mouth I became, though I knew nothing of the
crux of socialism and the masses of the country took me for a defender
of the downtrodden. From there, I never looked back. I followed the
success path of many such, with humble beginning, who are at the summit
my achievements in Public Life from 1989.
*Entered Parliament as a noisy legislator.
*Earned cheap popularity following Sucharitha footsteps.
*Became minister for sports rejuvenating women athletes.
*Built castles in backward Haguranketha that shows the might of Samurdhi.
* Nearly beaten Mahaveli Gamini in business investments in Australia.
*Taught the first SL woman Olympian Sussie, how to develop JAVAYA,
through my relentless encouragement but not with her consent. CBK, Mangala
and the band mutely endorsed my efforts in this endeavour, though Ranil
and his rabble rousers tarnished my image. Nonetheless, later Ranil
extended an apology for his misdemeanour, when I brought across a shipload
of ragtag band of legislators to his party that shot him to the PM cradle.
From the research & development unit of my cosy sports ministry
laboratory invented the hidden power of revitalized sex lust that could
convert any frail woman to a genuine sprinter was a landmark discovery
in the annals of sports in Sri Lanka. If not for the short sighted above
few, we would have been the proud nation of the greatest woman Olympian
that the world has ever seen. Her defection from my tutelage sadly denied
her the undisputed title, Queen of Sprinting in the world.
*I was an ardent admirer of Premadasa the Sucharitha fame. He was a
great inspiration for my tactics in taming the opposition, no matter
which ruling party I was in. The underworld gave me the unstinted support
and they always were an obedient lot, crossing lines with me. I ably
supported Thilanga, Boss of the games, taming the aristocratic Mahawalatenne
Ratwatte man in the battle for cricket. Didnt I promote many deals
in TV that brought healthy financial gains?
Janasaviya, the great program of my Guru was where I did wonders in
poverty alleviation. When CBK was hatching a scandalous plot to limit
IMF funds with a view to alleviate only the poverty of hers and her
kith and kin, it was I who abolished her dirty plot. Amidst her resentment,
I not only took it under my belt as a fully focused Samurdhi, but also
alleviated the poverty of seven future generations of my clan, with
several hundred millions vanishing from books with no trace.
Naturally, I erred in developing Golf Courts and muddled in Libor in
financial terms. But all those lapses were withdrawn, when GL the Professori
admitted me to his inner temple as his deputy when I changed my attire
from pavement T shirt to full suit with a tie.
When I changed my colour from red to blue to ever Green, all of them
embraced me as the great messiah of God sent. I toppled regimes and
created new ones. So, no wonder, the noise of crackers thundered whole
Sri Lanka when my sentence was announced by the CJ from Hultsdorf, reminiscing
the demise of my great Guru Sucharitha.
Let me tell those who lit those crackers that, the new lease of life
given to me at Welikada comprises no better terms than I ever expected.
Most of the inmates are my buddies. Mercenaries, Predators, Mafia bosses
and Barons (drugs) were all my close associates when I was at the helm
of power. True to the holy life I led, I declined to eat beef on my
first meal served at the cell, as a man of Ahimsa upbringing.
So, let me tell you that, the injustice meted out on me by the perpetrators
of justice will pay a terrible price in the not too distant future.
My friends and followers in the form of Ranil, Ravi and the clan will
not leave a single stone unturned to see that I will earn my freedom.
The rumble has already begun with our colleague, the envoy of Surya
Theivam making merry hell in the Diyawanna citadel sending flying saucers
to the heavenly Mace.
I have quite a few unfinished businesses to complete in my life. Its
my only wish that I wouldnt burden my two innocent kids with such
daunting tasks. Mark my word; its only a matter of time