Prof. Hudson McLean

Velupillai Prabhakaran who orders that all his terrorist suicide bombers and soldiers are forced to wear the Cyanide Pill necklace, will now order that they carry a plastic bag (during suicide missions) and plastic buckets during other long term activities. Initially the buckets and plastic bags will be imported via the Norwegian Embassy as Diplomatic Cargo to avoid inspection and later the buckets will be manufactured in Wanniya under Norwegian expertise using the NATO know-how and the latest state-of-the-art blast-proof technology which will make the buckets virtually unbreakable.

There are three reasons for the plastic bags. First, is that, suicide terrorist carrying a plastic bucket might give the game away. Second, is the, economy factor. Why waste a good plastic bucket, as a one time use and blow it, with the bomber? A plastic bag, which is cheap and cheerful, can be hidden inside the personal clothing etc. Erik Solheim may supply such plastic bags, for free, if the bag carries some Norwegian product advertisements, as a self-liquidating promotional item, which is also tax deductible. The third is that, the contents in a plastic bag will create havoc, a great deal of instant psychological shock and damage, to the victims who are already in a state of shock or injured, in a suicide attack.

Now the readers of Lanka Web will know the LTTE/TTT’s little secret, “Why the LTTE/TTT soldiers never piss or crap in non LTTE areas.”

By Walter Jayawardhana reporting from Los Angeles - LankaWeb 28.12.2002

This above punishment, is what one might call, The Jungle Justice.

It is absolutely right that no soldier from either side of the fence is allowed to piss or crap on the opposite side.

Whether the LTTE/TTT has an understanding and a unilaterally self declared
cease fire currently in place, when it comes to pissing and crapping, it is a different story. Perhaps this is a remnant of the distant past, when the Tamil latrine coolies had to perform their daily functions of emptying and cleaning Sinhala toilets. And very likely Prabhakaran remembers what the members of his family had to endure to survive.

Whilst the poor Sinhala soldier is in illegal Tamil Tiger Terrorist / LTTE custody, is he allowed to piss or crap on the Tamil side, or is he taken with shackled leg irons, to the Sinhala side, to relieve himself?

Or, has he got to wait for a week or two, holding onto his ablutions until the next hearing when the illegal Tamil magistrate might allow him to piss and/or crap on the Tamil side of the fence on humanitarian grounds?

As one knows, cats do piss and crap, but only on selected places. Following that, the cats always cover their goodies, do a war-like dance and stamp on the pile.

Does this mean that, when all these Top Tigers travel into Sinhala areas or travel inside Sinhala government helicopters and Sri Lankan Airways planes, they (Tamil Tiger Terrorists) will hold their breath and their ablutions until they return to their own habitat?

We are however informed that, RanilWm will be allowed to use LTTE/TTT toilets when he does visit Wanniya in the nearest future, as MilindaM and TyronneF were granted the toilet facilities with great pomp and honour, during their clandestine and public visits.

As the people close to Prof. G. L. Pieris are aware of that, GL as the Minister for Constitutional Affairs, has problems with his own personal constitution, especially after a feast of Dosai with various spicy trimmings and the sauce. His aides always ensure that a clean toilet nearby is readily accessible, in the absence of a bidet, a bucket filled with lukewarm water and soft toilet tissues are at hand.

At one point, it s understood that GL considered wearing adult size diapers just in case that he may not be allowed to use one of LTTE/TTT special VIP toilets. He had told his wife that he would never squat on the ground over a pit, that is used by the junior members of the LTTE/TTT.

VP himself has taken this as his personal responsibility to ensure that his UNF buddies personal wishes and ablutions are fully taken care of as Top VIP Priority.

This is certainly good news and RanilWm and MilindaM deserve full credit for building up such a close relationship with a bunch of blood thirsty terrorists, on such personal and sensitive matters.

Or will Velupillai Prabhakaran order his cadres and negotiators to carry their own plastic buckets or similar containers, during their international travels, hopefully with an air tight, water tight closure, in order to avoid being trapped in “bugged” foreign toilets?

Since these will be part of hand baggage, will they be subjected to security inspections or will the Norwegian Government move in with speed, and declare them as Norwegian Diplomatic cargo?

Presumably, such major decisions of piss and crap have been taken at the highest level in Oslo, definitely by the Norwegian Ambassador to Colombo, Erik Solheim, approved by His Majesty the King of Norway, and in London by Dr. Anton and Colonel Adele Balasingham, and in Colombo at the Temple Trees by the Prime Minister Ranil Wickramesingham, Milinda Moragoda, with the legal advice provided by Prof G.L. Pieris (in his capacity as the expert on Constitutional Affairs, since piss and crap falls well within one’s Constitution), and the final seal of approval stamped by none other than the Chief Terrorist himself Velupillai Prabhakaran flanked by Prime Minister-in-waiting of TamilEelam S.P.Tamilchelvam and Colonel Karuna.

Now that everything is clear on the fighting front, what about the resident Muslims and Sinhala in the NE under the control of the LTTE/TTT?

When this question was raised by the Muslim delegation for the attention of Velupillai Prabhakaran, the top soldier was lost for words. Making decisions on behalf of his right hand trustees or his “about to die” suicide bombers was of a minor nature. But when Muslims begin to crap and piss on Tamil soil, the question has to be resolved by someone more intelligent and with a greater degree of knowledge of international affairs, who has travelled the world, far and wide.

Since most of the lower end Muslims never had toilets in their crowded shacks, in Colombo or in Jaffna, they enjoyed relieving themselves and emptying their bowels into the nearest open drain or as in the Arab countries, into a hand dug hole in the sand. And since Bala is a Doctor, VP always consulted him on most matters which eluded his own intellectual capacity.

At this point, by coincidence, Dr. Anton Balasingham appeared from behind the bushes, straightening his zipper. “Bala!” shouted VP, “Hey, what should we do about the Muslims piss and crap, ah?” Balasingham looked very confused. Then Bala looked at Adele who was sipping a coconut through a hand made straw. “I always ask Adele, on such matters”, said Anton.

Then came Karuna who had heard this exciting conversation. “I would shoot them before they piss or crap. End of story”, shouted Karuna.

Balasingham who had now recovered from the shock, with both hands deep in his trouser pockets, tickling his marbles, pronounced, “We will have separate toilets and mark them as, M for Muslims, S for Sinhala and VIP for us. Naturally within the VIP compartments, we will have separate toilets for male and female. The rest have to make do with one toilet for men, women and children. The non-VIP’s will have to carry their own buckets for water. Naturally, water will be rationed for non-VIP’s.

Velupillai clapped his hands, laughed loud and said, “This is what I like best about Anton. He can make intelligent decisions and always the right ones. By the way Anton, could you ask Erik Solheim why he did not include the soft Norwegian toilet rolls in the last Diplomatic Cargo. This bloody Sinhala made toilet rolls are too rough on my tender arse.”

Having declared that the summit was to close, Prabhakaran, washed his backside with two buckets of water, one which contains sandalwood oil, wiped his bottom with a Sri Lankan made toilet paper and the pulled the chain to flush the toilet. The rest of his minions stood up in silence as Prabhakaran walked outside to get a breath of fresh air.

Did he wash his hands afterwards? That is for you to guess!

Now you know where Velupillai Prabhakaran holds most of his very important strategic meetings. No wonder the LTTE/TTT consider that the toilet where they piss and crap, as sacred indeed. It is definitely a No Go Area for the Sinhala.


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