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SRI LANKAN PROBLEMS
AND INDIAN SOLUTIONS
Goonetilleke Ekanayake
The stifling heat of the Indian summer was far too oppressive even
from a crow's point of view. The thought of food never crossed his mind
as the crow cruised across the polluted New Delhi sky homing on his
favourite haunt - a sprawling mango tree in a quiet street. He had already
gorged himself on mounds of excess food left to rot in the streets and
was now looking forwards to a quiet nap.
There was sufficient food for all and sundry in India. There were no
signs of the squalid, derelict slums of Calcutta which had all been
torn down to make way for brand new ultra modern high-rise buildings,
in keeping with the new found affluence of the ordinary Indians. Beggars
had disappeared entirely from the streets and no traces remained of
thousands of brothels that straddled each and every back street of cities
large and small. Incidents of female foeticide were nonexistent. The
long lines of men women and children including teenage girls who used
to squat besides public roads, answering their predawn calls of nature
were merely memories of a distant past. Presently every single household
possesses a modern toilet gifted by the state governments. As a matter
of fact Indians have never had it so good in living memory.
The secret of this miracle was the Panchayath system of government-
the panacea for all woes- social, economic as well as political. Since
the introduction of this amazing concept, which permitted self-determination
to all the states of India, the entire country was enveloped in a cloud
of universal brotherhood and eternal peace and harmony. No more were
there separatist guerrillas of Assam. No more were the Naxalites. High
caste Brahmins and Dalits (former low-caste Harijans} ate from the same
plate and even inter married. Citizens of all walks of life - Bollywood
stars, politicians, manual labourers and high-class prostitutes all
mixed freely at functions and tamashas. Adherents of all religious faiths
jostled with each other inside the common prayer hall of Ayodhya peace
shrine. Modern India has emerged as the closest thing to the utopia
that every single human being had always been dreaming about.
These days wherever Indian citizens assembled, they chanted the mantram
'Panchayath'. Their discussions invariably centered on the ways and
means of propagating this miracle formula among the less fortunate of
India's neighbours. Sri Lanka which was experiencing severe unrest was
the prime candidate. This afternoon, one such group of citizens was
destined to meet beneath the mango tree on which our crow had roosted.
The first to appear on the scene was diminutive Sinna Lingam. Having
migrated from Tamilnadu in search of lucrative employment he was fortunate
enough to have bagged a garbage collector's job. During the act of sitting
down on the pavement, by force of habit Sinna Lingam looked upwards
for signs of his feathered adversary.
"Salaam Aleykum, how are things with you my brother".
The familiar voice belonged to Mohamed Iqbal the rickshaw wallah.
Iqbal was accompanied by Laxman a former high caste Brahmin and Bangaru,
a Dalit.
"Namaste, Kya hal he?" intoned Laxman and Bangaru. All three
of them squatted besides Sinna Lingam.
"Vanakkam my brothers" replied Lingam in Tamil."Thanks
to Ganesh, all is well for me and my family. Unfortunately things are
not so good for my Tamil Tiger brothers in Sri Lanka. You know, the
stupid Sinhala government has been bombing my brothers and killing hundreds
of them".
" We know we know " replied the others in unison. "They
got no right to do that".
By this time Shanker the banker who strolled across the street had
also joined them on the pavement. Shanker was clutching at a paper bag
containing his favourite lunch of Idli and coconut sambal. Shankar unwrapped
the parcel and offered it to the others (after exchanging the usual
pleasantries) which offer they all politely refused. No one goes hungry
in India nowadays.
"From what I have read, it was the Tigers who first started this
war by stopping the water supply to some sort of irrigation scheme",
Shankar remarked.
" Shari Shari dore, we know that but the Sinhalese must solve
problems by talking. Am I not right my brother", Lingam turned
to Iqbal, who responded with "Acha" while nodding in assent."The
problem with Sinhalse is they refuse to recognise our traditional homelands
in the North and East" continued Lingam.
"Doesn't that area too belong to the Sinhalese?" inquired
Shankar in his eagerness for information and not with the intention
of seeking a confrontation.
"That was thousands of years ago, but after the white Sahibs resettled
their forefathers from Tamilnadu those areas have now become the traditional
homelands of the Tamils".
"How come", questioned the educated and inquisitive banker
who felt that the logic was seriously flawed.
" Look at it this way. After the British and other European Sahibs
resettled the Jews in parts of Palestine, those areas have now become
the traditional homeland of the Jews. They call it Israel. Don't you
agree that what is good for the Jews is also good for the Tamils".
Shanker was not quite convinced but nevertheless nodded in agreement
because these days Indians are forever ready to compromise on any given
issue.
" Those chauvinist Sinhalese Buddhists ought to be taught a proper
lesson. We will have to continue with Indira Ghandiji's policies".
The voice belonged to Rohatgi, the editor of the 'Hindu Satan Times'
who, while driving past had spotted his old friend Shanker and bailed
out for a chat. Rohatgi preferred to keep standing, aiming to be the
cynosure of the crowd. "I have written countless editorials in
my paper strongly recommending a federal state to the Tamils but the
Sinhalese government continues to ignore my advice. Sinhalese are a
diehard arrogant breed of imbeciles who do not listen to reason"
he lamented in apparent disgust.
Socialite Begum Savithri and her widowed daughter- in- law Shasikala
now appeared on the scene. Both of them were familiar with this crowd.
They all exchanged greetings while the newcomers put their palms together
and bowed in respect. Savithri eased her ample bottom on to a restricted
space on the pavement besides the others and struggled to make herself
comfortable.Up to date, she has failed to master the art of sitting
on rough pavement stones and considered them unworthy of her posterior.
"We need more space in this country" she muttered under her
breath. Then, smiling broadly at Iqbal,"kya hal he, Iqbalji.How
is business these days", she inquired.
" Shukriya, thik he aur ap? Iqbal responded.Then,without waiting
for a reply he continued sadly "but business is not so good sister.
My problem is that these days Indians are getting fatter and fatter.
Remember the times when I packed three customers at a time into my rickshaw?
Now I can barely fit one of them in".
" What R you-R discussions about?" Savithri chirped, this
time addressing the rest of the crowd and rolling her 'R's and her ar-e
at the same time.
"You may be interested to know that the government is planning
to put Indians on the moon very soon. That might solve the problem of
space one day" informed Rohatgi with an air of authority.
"What a wonderful idea", they all shouted in unison. Sinna
Lingam jumped up and down in jubilation. "Let us begin at once
before the Chinese could get there first and start breeding" he
cautioned.
" Have no worries about that brother. We are better than the Chinese
at that game",
Iqbal assured comfortingly.
Bangaru bit into a piece of arecanut and handed one half of it to Laxman.
They shared a betel leaf and some lime and began to chew in silence.
"We were discussing about the Sri Lankan Tamil Tigers before you
arrived" informed Shanker turning towards the new comers.
"Isn't it true that the Tamil Tigers came out of Purusha's bottom?"
inquired Shashi with a mischievous grin on her face. Unable to stifle
her grin she lowered her face and began to dig into the pavement with
her right toe.
"Now now, don't you be sarcastic my child" admonished Savitri
wrapping her delicate arm lovingly around the waist of her daughter-in-law.(In
the not so distant past Savithri would have gladly thrown Shashi on
to her husbands funeral pyre conforming to the rites of 'Sathi puja'.Fortunately
for Sashi, Panchayath has changed all that) "After all, that particular
area also belongs to the Lord's body, doesn't it Sashi? We are all chips
of the same old block", explained Savithri.
"Subramaniam Swamy has threatened to drop an atom bomb on Prabhakaran's
bunker" announced Rohatgi, prodding Sinna Lingam.
"Why can't the man drop that bomb also into his own toilet like
his other bombs. Who gave him the authority to kill our supreme leader?"
retorted Sunna Lingam."It is the Sinhalese who need to be destroyed
and not our Sun God".
The mere sound of Prabhakaran's name made the crow tremble in anger.
He had an axe to grind with all Eelamists and their elusive leader.
In his previous birth the crow had been a Tamil Tiger and had taken
part in several massacres of innocent civilians. He was killed when
a hand grenade exploded accidentally. Subsequently he was reborn as
a crow in New Delhi to atone for his macabre crimes.
" Don't you all agree with my recommendations for a federal state
for the Tamils?" inquired Rohatgi.
Sinna Lingam shot an arrow of blood red salivated betel juice onto
the pavement in order to empty his mouth to reply. The betel juice lightly
splashed on the expensive sari of a passer by. The lady wearing the
sari merely turned around and smiled in a friendly manner.How wonderfully
friendly were these Indians?
"Panchayath or federalism is not good enough for us. We seek nothing
short of complete autonomy", replied Lingam firmly.
The crow became infuriated by this human gibberish which had disturbed
his siesta. He cawed loudly. Upon hearing this sound Sinna Lingam looked
up instantly, unaware that his betel stained mouth was wide open. It
was merely a reflex action. The crow flew off, but not before depositing
a warm gooey blob of excrement right into the centre of Lingam's gaping
red mouth.
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